Explanation and or Begining

Ok so i guess everyone feels the need to sum up what they have to say and on what and why. I'm sure i'll never stick to it but in the previous and first post i said this blog will be about mental health, spirituality, well being and finding balance. I guess thats what we all want and search for anyway right? We just don't sum it up or focus on it as directly because there are winter boots and summer dresses and parties and drinking and drugs and traveling and having more fun than anyone else on your facebook feed. Those tend to distract us, or me atleast. Anyway this all began (the blog not the site) because of a recent loss of friendship. I really wanted to help someone who's trust I broke. broken trust doesn't often want help, it either wants revenge or to be left alone. Normally both. Either way I knew or, felt I knew how to help them, somewhat better than any old person. I had the edge but it was ruined by something i'm still not sure i understand. Now being denied the chance to help is killing me. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a noble thing. I clearly have some subconcioius issue with needing to help people. I figured out some reasons why due to the situation the person was in and having experience with it aswell as feeling guilty for not helping a friend of mine in the past. I didn't want to let this person down or not try everything i could just in case. So I didn't regret anything. So they had someone to help like I did. It seemed only fair to pay it back to the world and pass on that gift. Thats how my mind works, thats how i see it. Paying it forward. Not all for this person because of who they are, well some what yes, but truthfully I didn't know them all that well. But it was because i've been in their situation, and i guess i saw myself. Not being able to help also reflects my friend Lauren. She passed away and some part of me knows i could have done more just to make it happier or easierfor her. This need for helping is partly my guilt, partly my empathy and an inbuilt need to pay forward what i was graciously blessed with in my own dark hours. To bring all this to a point. I can not really help this friend, among others in similar situations which frustrates me. But here i can write about problems that other people might have, and share my very limited knowledge of what brings me peace and keeps me level headed.

I also write this at a very strange shook up time for me personally. I normally think of myself pretty together these days. I've been through a lot of depression throughout my life. I used to say ups and downs but I think its more than that. People can down play serious issues too much. I personally realised this When my best friends death wasn't the saddest thing that I've had to deal with. But everyones levels are different, it's hard to know what to compare them too. Anywho, I choose to write this at a time when I know I'm on the rocks. I'm not really ok, but I've been through this all before and controlled it, dealt with it and moved through it. Due to it mainly (hopefully) being caused by the implant i have in my arm, i'm not too worried and again have been down playing the consequnces of it's affects. I don't know if i'll go back to normal although I don't see why not. we all have ups and downs, those in my life have been quite extreme but over the last year i seemed to have it under control. So hopefully all shall return to good measure, but if not then i just have more self learning to do, even though it will be a bitch. The most important thing for now is to get my head straight and keep it that way until it's affects have worn off. Which is what i'm doing now. Also with the help of this. I Just wanted to explain that i'm not preaching from a higher pullpit. I've just been through some stuff, AM going through stuff, like we all have and do, and it's lead me to an outlook that might help others.